Monday, May 17, 2010

day 268... (countdown: 2 days left.)

how lower-case the feeling is, at the moment. this song rightly haunts me:

it's like i got nothing... but it's just fine.

faretheewell folk,

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Day 263... ("And then you do both; I can't do both...")

There's something about this: this things-going-on-simultaneously. And nearby there is something about the gaping absence of women in all of these official goings-on, except for atop the cover of the magazines, covering the tale this time. Laugh! You need to redefine the concept of beauty in order for it to fit you.

I don't understand... I like being so separate. We are arbitrary and irreparable--like the smell of pine on my palm and the utter listlessness of a waning light; like pursed lips in anticipation, waiting to flinch. Is it lyrical, at least, the meaning beyond the words?

(Indeed, like grinning men in beat-up cars—-wearing glasses and looking straight ahead. Like tiny-tiny girls as cute as this—-muttering with a purpose. Oh! Like skateboarding ladies, too! Holding on strong with one hand, tattooed calves painted.)

There is this feeling of gratitude; of indebtedness that cannot be articulated, let alone undone, in which we dwell by virtue of existence alone. Life, this world we have for our experience as a thing that will not be spent by any one of us; it is our unification of sorts, or else the basest of all common ground. There is a sense of willingness without shame or lasting doubt. It is a matter of knowledge, decided upon. As in the person within the friend you chose to make; how you wanted to understand their eyes but not those of the faces before.

(Seems interesting, this guy...still life is just the same, redundant breath. And people always have something to say for themselves! But he's soft--too, too soft.)

What's so wrong about belief for its own sake? Why should the value of the pursuit of an irrevocable truth outweigh that of the ideal of contentment, when life is this finite and neither are guaranteed?

Consider the weight of a fitful sleep, for instance. Where are we when we're in between? And how is dissatisfaction this complete if what we think we want is the truth? Fuck that. Where we go has nothing to do with destinations; where we're from has nothing to do with time. Momentary and fleeting truth is not of inherently less worth—-its fallback is quarantined in the limits we put on how much value we're willing to expend, as if its supply could be just so and not a calculated decree. As if we weren't unequivocally aware of our intentions, and ever-willing to deny them entirely, voice. (Distinction?)

( that sounds like this...)

Faretheewell folk,

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Day 260!? Just shoot me now, yo.

Whatevs. A mere five days and counting and then my final final of the year shall be a distant memory, drowned out by the sweet nectar of celebratory alcohol, i do reckon. Such a difficult task to not see that brightest light at the end of this narrow tunnel, and thereby keep by my side that bit of healthy terror that does wonders for my ability to focus. It's CRUNCH-TIME folks! And only now does it finally dawn on me how woefully nonsensical Civil Procedure really, truly, ridiculously is...

THERE IS NO GENERAL FEDERAL COMMON LAW!! What I want to know is, what cruel sadist got to decide that such an awfully vague sentence ought to dictate the entire evolution of "federal subject-matter jurisdiction", anyway?! Shouldn't all of us fresh new law students be taught not to revere such a lucid example of obscurity, but rather to strive forever against the temptation of delving into it? Even if it DOES mean admitting that no one in this whole gawdamned profession knows exactly what anyone else is talking about, at any given moment... I mean, come on now!! Whaddaya say we all up and grow some proverbial balls, my dear fellow jurists!!?

Geez-louise. But anyway! I think that's all the ranting I have time for. And now, back to the grinding stone I go...

Faretheewell folk,

P.S. Happy Mother's Day!! =P

Friday, April 30, 2010

Day 251: Fifteen minutes till procrastination becomes abomination.

("Baby don't look so nervous, they just want the facts, and it's all written out in the USA Patriot Act..." -A.M.)

Speaking of which, do you have any idea how many laws there really are in this here free country of ours? Something like "hundreds of thousands", and of those over 4,000 are crimes. Craziness? In Sweden there is a single volume containing the entire criminal code of the country. Of course, there's quite a size difference between the nations...but should that make a difference in determining the scope of crimes against society?

And what of the danger of becoming lost in the massive mountains of volume upon volume of statutes? Do you realize that not only is it virtually impossible for a person to live out their life in America WITHOUT breaking at least one of these laws--but even more ridiculous is the tiny percentage of people who ever actually recognize that they've done so. Isn't this a little bit silly? (To walk the line of the inarticulate!) What I mean is, what's the point of such heavy regulation when it hardly keeps people from committing crimes? The result is just that whenever someone who gives a shit happens to come across a person who happens to be committing a random little arbitrary crime without even realizing it, well, the Government gets to spend (strike that: all but HAS to spend) our nice, neat tax dollars to persecute the poor sucker. Cuz after all, "ignorance of law is no excuse"...

But anyways. When it comes down to it, i have two weeks from today to slalom through to the end of my final exams of my final quarter of my first year of law school. And what have i to show for it? An overinflated sense of importance imbued on four otherwise inconspicuous mornings, and a disproportionate amount of stress aimed at these ephemeral days and the tests they represent--rather than at the reality of the mess of law represented by the tests themselves, and the fact that i myself am bound to adhere to the content of each one, and so much more besides. As are most of you, I imagine. And the difference? Maybe just that I'm learning how to name all of those old, nameless worries...

Nah. It's mostly just me being dramatic, I'm sure. And uncharacteristically stressed out. Well, not that, exactly... More like uncharacteristically recognizing the dire need to let the stress come, for to induce action. But instead I'm just watching it brood out there on the outskirts of my daily life, as we count down toward (clear) transition. And like always it's just me, just here, still saying to it 'tomorrow'. "Tomorrow you can come riddle me some! Today I'm too busy listening to the loveliness of these sad songs..."

("And my body, by the letter of the law, is still my own when I lay down in the darkness, unburdened and alone..." -A.M.)

Faretheewell folk,

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Where are we now...Day 232 or so? Shit! But who the heck gives one, anyway?

And so it's way deep into the bowels of this experience. April, now, and 11th to be sure. How did we get here from there so quickly, I wonder? Not November by any means, but rather watching the coming of the Spring sneak forward. And oh how we can tell its arrival out here! From the rising temperatures of 67 to 91 in the space of three measly hours! To the bloom of green affording us a wonderland that has nothing to do with Winter, anymore. Sigh... If only the soft sweetness of superficial (change) were enough for me, now...

But it's not. And I daily strive further on to complete what I've started nearly a year ago, somehow. i know I'm jumping the gun, but it feels so much longer than that anyhow! Last week brought me dizziness in perpetuity, as I'd never been courted before. 'Twas frightful!! And today, since Tuesday, was the first that it's left me abandoned at last--and need i even say 'grateful' at all? Well I'm grate-fuckin'-ful, for sure. (Note for the concerned or curious public: don't underestimate dehydration, even when wine or liquor look you in both of your watery eyes...)

I'm applying for transfer to schools in California. It's not that I don't appreciate the exhaustion of newness--it's just that it'll only take me so far. And lately I've been thinking I'm already there. So as far as stints go...let's all vote for this one to nearly be over! (Happily so, but good riddance, regardless.)

Faretheewell folk,

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Fastforward: Day 78 to Day 82...

Okay, I'm back. But I'm not gonna go back and try to catch up. Basically, it's crunch-time folks. Yes, yes, technically exams aren't until the second week of December (which is dagnam frankly bad enough!!), but considering the fact that I still have a 10-page paper, 4 outlines to finish, daily homework plus catch up for classes I'm missing, and all to get done before a plane ride to catch a mere week from tomorrow!? Do-able?: yes. Craziness?: also in the affirmative.

I know, i know, I bring these things upon myself. Nothing new there. Nonetheless, it's also a gosh darn reason to prematurely end this post, if i ever did hear one!


Saturday, November 7, 2009

Day 77...

So I'm getting used to this chili, a little bit. While Mike was here he held my hand and led me through the mechanics of several gorgeously home-made dinner dishes. Among these was a vegan chili with fresh corn and broccoli; a coconut-based stir fry with curry and sweet potatoes; and an astonishing veggie lasagna. Now that I've been left to my own devices (and all of his delectable left-overs have been summarily consumed) I decided to try my own hand at that silly little chili we'd mulled over together. Not entirely disastrous, I have to say...but there's still time to be proven wrong.

Everything started out smoothly: a can of red and a can of black beans; firm tofu sauteed in garlic and butter; a perfect-sized yellow pepper; and herbs & spices such as you'd never think possible (and perhaps for good reason), such as fresh basil; crushed red pepper; ground black peppercorn; salt; brown sugar; cayenne pepper; Parmesan cheese; and perhaps other things... The real problem (besides my complete lack of understanding when it comes to complimentary flavors) reared its ornery head when I joyously opened the vodka spaghetti sauce to use as a base. The damn thing had been stubbornly fixed shut since we'd bought it two weeks ago, which is the only reason i hadn't already found an excuse to devour it. So jubilant was I when I managed to open the crazy jar without the help of man or woman alike, that I'd already poured in half its contents before off-handedly dipping a finger into the excess on the dabbled lid. When I brought the cursed finger to my suddenly dismayed mouth, I was shocked with what i tasted!!

Perhaps it was just the fact that this new brand of vodka sauce was unfortunately inferior to others out there...or perhaps it had more to do with the fact that it was a cream-base (kinda strange for a chili)...but whatever the reason that got my skepticism a-growling, I directed my gaze to the top of the lid. Partially obscured by stickers indicating price per product, I noticed the tell-tale numbers of the "Use by" date. Peeling the stickers back with my thumb-nail, horror dawned as my eyes gradually communicated to my mind the numbers' true meaning. They read: 4/28/2009...almost seven months expired. Son of a bitch!

Too late, the guilty sauce mingled and disappeared inside every other ingredient, infiltrating to the very bottom of that god-forsaken pan and tainting the promise of a perfectly legitimate & fully independent vegetarian chili. "Well, I'll be damned," I thought, "I really have managed to fuck-up a fool-proof dish..."

Ah well! Despite the worrisome expiration date, the sauce didn't taste weird in a GONE BAD sorta way, more like a vaguely strange spice-selection kinda way. So what the heck? I figured I'd finish cooking the freakin' thing, at least. And since i finished cooking it, i figured I'd better give it a fair chance by trying it out too--and frankly, I AM getting used to it, now that I've eaten half a bowl. So now I figure I'll just go ahead and eat the other half--cuz what's life without a little risk? But just for the record, if I die, be sure to sue Garden Gourmet for me. That way my short law career won't have been a complete waste. =P

Faretheewell folk!,